**WARNING – Emotional and deep bit at the start of the blog**

So the past few days I have felt a bit overwhelmed and decided that I needed some time to spend by myself and just take stock of how I am feeling and snap out of whatever ‘mood’ or phase I am going through right now. I do enjoy my own company and find that having this alone time helps me cope with everything else but also assess my current situation and plan ahead. I may have retreated into myself a bit more than I do normally but right now I don’t want to interact with anyone at the moment – I can’t explain why I don’t want to speak to anyone but I know that now my old life is firmly complete and over I am in a bit of a unknown state as to where my life is headed next and need to become comfortable with this. Obviously I have to interact with people for my job, but that’s all that I can deal with right now and I think people are liking how quiet I am at the moment. Something that could be making me turn into a major recluse is that a lot of people I know can’t comprehend spending time on your own. The first reaction is to think they have done something wrong, they haven’t I just want time on my own. The second reaction is to carry on contacting you when you just need the time alone, purely because they are worried and I think this is making me worse. I have also had a couple of ‘friends’ contacting me who obviously are just as lost as me right now and can’t decide what kind of relationship they want with me. I don’t have the energy or mental capacity to deal with this so have walked away from it all – will I regret that action? Right now my gut is telling me it’s the best thing to do to stop my heart and head from getting messed up. I would just like to point out that I am not sad or depressed just in a state of unknown and need this time to sort out my head, my goals and get on track with the next stage of my life.

So now the serious bit is over and done with lets get on to the interesting stuff, training and food! So training is my saviour,  I am giving everything I have in each session and look like I am about to die but it is my therapy right now. Weight is down by one whole pound and some noticeable differences when comparing this weeks pictures to last weeks which is a good achievement I think. So my food is up again to 1800 calories, I am getting so excited planning and prepping my food as my current lunchbox can’t cope with all the Tupperware. I am still amazed at the human body and how changes you make which logically don’t make sense give you the results you wanted all along, like how am I weighing less on 500 calories more and 2/3 less exercise than before the diet/exercise change. I have increased the weights on leg days by 10lbs which isn’t much but I can feel the difference and should prevent me from getting an injuries. I am not sure if the boulders are looking any bigger but the still get the occasional skinny boys looking at them (I think in awe with a hint of disgust).

Unfortunately, everyone on Facebook has been lovely and there have been no sexual messages received whatsoever. I did receive a few offers to take me on a date after I posted that I had gone to the cinema myself – that’s very kind but people do go to the cinema by themselves, its a thing that has been happening for a while.

Hopefully my next blog will be a bit happier – if not I will make up something totally outrageous so that it remains an interesting read!  

Incoming late update, it seems my mood board is famous and someone on Instagram has taken my picture and re-used it. That mood board could become more famous than me.