Well I am hoping it does as it’s been ages since I have blogged and for that I am truly sorry. If I am honest I haven’t been focused enough to blog or feel like anything exciting has actually happened in my life.

So this is the latest, I am back on diet and back on full training with my obsession for the stairway to heaven returning as I am on the bugger every morning for 30 minutes. I am lifting heavier than before partially because I have more weight on (maybe a bit too much) and also because my focus and determination to get in shape and back on stage is off the charts at the moment. Muscles are starting to appear again and blubber is starting to disappear. I have tried to identify what has changed my mindset so dramatically and all I can relate it back to is having the 5 weeks off after surgery. Not saying no to friends who wanted to socialise and go out for food or drinks. Not panicking about prepping for the next few days and avoiding certain people who can be bad influence at times. I can’t quite describe how focused I am at the moment, but I am more driven and determined than I was on my last prep but at the same time I am calm and relaxed about the process even with a lot of weight to lose. Nothing is getting in the way of this next stage in my journey, I am not interested in foods which aren’t on my diet list, I currently have no cravings and I haven’t tried to kill anyone. Having said that Phil (who is 1 foot taller than me) has been on holiday for the past two weeks which is probably why my desire to kill people or politely ask them to die is so low. He returns on Wednesday so I am sure the rage levels will soon start to rise.

I have even looked after one of my best friends children for two days whilst she dealt with a family emergency and still prepped my foods and did not resort to locking them up in the shed even though I did threaten them with that quite a few times. To put into perspective how big an achievement this is I will describe my current position on children – severly allergic with a high possibility of leaving them in the microwave whilst looking after them. I had to go food shopping with Phoebe (who is 8, quiet and sensible) and Minnie (who is 6 and completely wild and full of sass), we only went in for mince beef and spag Bol sauce which ended up costing £44! At the till Minnie is taking her wellies off to which she is told by me that if she removes any more of her feet out of wellies then she is going in the boot of the car. Obviously Minnie finds this hilarious but the till lady doesn’t see her laughing and stares at me in utter disgust as she must think these are my children and that I lock them in the boot. Whilst at the shop we bought a million magazines which I think made up the majority of the final cost, but I made a fatal mistake and did not vet the contents or free things that came with the magazines. So whilst I was working, cooking tea, and waving to the neighbours like I am the new au pair, Minnie was putting the free gifts to good use. As I serve tea I notice that Minnie now has giant dark brown slug eyebrows that cover her entire forehead nearly, pink and green hair chalk in all of her hair, radioactive coloured blusher on her cheeks and silver stick on nails. At this point I was knackered and left her to it. When her dad came back he was pretty shocked, I thought she looked quite good. I darent tell him I evened out her eyebrows. So the moral of this story is to not leave your children in my care.

And finally Facebook ‘Friend’ message of the past eternity;

Facebook ‘Friend’: Hey how are you? How long have you been training for? What is your diet like?

Me: Hi good thank you? You? I started training last October. Just eating clean at the moment (I couldn’t be bothered listing out my full diet)

Facebook ‘Friend’: What are you up to this evening?

Me: I am just shopping and then off to the gym

At this point I need to state my exact location, at the tills in TKMaxx handing my items to the lady to scan. 

Facebook ‘Friend’: *sends an action shot of his Crown Jewels draped over a lovely duvet cover which pops up on my iWatch. Unfortunately I opted for the larger screen iWatch and this picture can almost be seen from space. The till lady looks at the watch, looks at me, looks at the picture again and then asks if I want the plant pot I have bought wrapped in paper whilst going bright red.

Me: Can you explain how the conversation moves from diet and training to you sending a pic of your genitals?

Facebook ‘Friend’: let me see you naked

Me: No. I am in the middle of TKMaxx trying to pay. I don’t want to get arrested thanks. AND you are not seeing me naked

Facebook ‘Friend’: would you like FaceTime me performing a self service (obviously that phrase was not used but my Dad (who loves MyProtein clothing) reads this)

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