It has taken me a few attempts to try and write this blog just purely due to the fact that my head has been all over the place again and I didn’t realise that I was making the situation worse.

Since my last blog last week I have had the usual on my plate; work, settling into my new house, sorting out my divorce, training and just generally trying to live a relatively good fun packed life. I don’t think I realised how hard I was being on myself in terms of the amount of pressure I am putting myself under until this week. Whenever I have a wobble or something goes wrong my training never falters, its is always on point and I am always pushing myself. This is probably one of the many reasons why I am single as I grunt and gurn, swearing and sweating like pig in a sauna which is wearing ten 13.5 tog king size duvets. So my training has been on point, in fact really good, I am loving it and am lifting heavier each time. It’s my diet, my emotional eating is through the roof and I thought I could deal with it myself and not tell my coach. I thought it would be ok as I would stay on my competition diet, drop the weight and all would be well, no one will have known what I had done and why. That was obviously the wrong way to deal with it and every time I hit this low it got worse to the point were I was crying and hating myself for what I had done and just didn’t know what to do next. It sounds a bit dramatic but the body building lifestyle is exactly that, its a lifestyle, it is you, it is everything to you. So when something spirals out of control it impacts your entire life.

On top of the whole diet issue I was also struggling with how I look right now. I obviously know that I cannot maintain my stage weight or look every single day of my life. But as my diet and training adapts to enhance what I have already developed and help me target my weak areas, my brain can’t cope with the sudden and dramatic changes that are happening. It’s just something that I am going to have to get used to. As luck would have it a few professional body builders have posted about this and their struggles with diet or coming back from injury and it has helped me get some perspective on everything.However, ultimately coming clean on everything with Sandi has been the main factor which has helped me understand what is going on and that its normal and most people experience these struggles. So now I need to manage my negative moments, when I am feeling fed up or down or scared that I have damaged my body in some way. I am to think of a positive that has happened either that day or that week, or look at my body building journey so far. I only started training last October and have competed once against amazing competion and secured 3 sponsorships – that is pretty damn lucky if you ask me. I need to understand that my body will be changing and I am building muscle and improving my overall condition so that prep is a bit easier next time. I need to understand that food is not bad, I need to food to fuel me when training, keep me focused at work and have the ability to enjoy myself socially instead of sleeping all the time. I need to understand that I am human and sometimes I might slip up but I don’t need to go full throttle and go mental. I finally need to understand that I will not look like a lot of other woman in the gym. I have started Zumba and Twerkout workout and I look like this muscley rhino bounding round the room thinking I am sexy when in fact what I see completely disgusts me. It played on my mind that much at how odd I looked in comparison to the others that I burst out crying buying a cup of tea at work when someone commented that my shoulders looked really broad. It was meant as a comment and it is the look I am striving for but its that issue with the brain again, learning to adapt to the changes that are occurring.

So I had a relaxed weekend following the week of total mentalness and this week I have had a load of crap thrown my way both in my personal and work life but I have not turned to emotional eating, I have not felt down, I have just got on with things. I know its only been two days but I could have let it get to me and I didn’t. I can’t thank Sandi enough for her support over the weekend. We will now have two check ins a week and I will send my progress pictures on saturday mornings to stop me from eating the biscuits at work on a Friday.

Another thing I need to do is get back blogging more frequently as it really helps me sort things out in my head and just process what has happened for that day. So god help you, more blogs are coming your way.

To end things on a positive note we have Facebook ‘Friend’ message of the week (or last few weeks);

Facebook ‘Friend’: Hey Niki how are you? Training hard?

Me: yes thank you training is going well

Facebook ‘Friend’: Can I tell you something?

Me: Sure

Facebook ‘Friend’: well a lot of women over here in America can’t handle it if I am honest

Me: Handle what?

Facebook ‘Friend’: how big I am. Would you like 11 inches?

And then proceeds to send me a picture of what looks like a whole corn on the cob with a bed sheet wrapped around it

Me: I thought you were offering me a pizza, but no thanks

Blocked